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Awfully Scary Poetry Contest
http://www.radio-kol.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=5109
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Author:  Jezebelle [ Tue Oct 09, 2012 9:31 am ]
Post subject:  Awfully Scary Poetry Contest

Is your poetry awful?
Is it scary?
Can you laugh at yourself?

If you answered yes to all of the above, then I have the contest for you!

I'm doing an awfully scary poetry contest on Halloween!

Each show between now and the 31st, I will choose a word that you must include in your poem!

You will then have from Sunday the 28th to send your entries to jezebelle.kol@gmail.com and the winnner will be chosen on Halloween! :)

Words you must include:
Miasma - submitted by Zabriel - Sunday 21 Oct
Ukulele - submitted by Ravengyre - Sunday 21 Oct
Flaccid - submitted by MrGreenSmiling - Wednesday 24 Oct
Toast (the food, not the person) - submitted by YellowToast (who else?) - Wednesday 24 Oct
Supposedly - submitted by NotSupposedToBeHere - Sunday Oct 28
Prophylactic - submitted by Torturelini - Sunday Oct 28


Good Luck!!

For inspiration see the following:
http://radio-kol.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2019
http://radio-kol.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2122

Author:  Nassive [ Tue Oct 09, 2012 3:28 pm ]
Post subject: 

Woooooo Jez show!

Author:  Jezebelle [ Sun Oct 21, 2012 9:08 am ]
Post subject: 

Details of the contest have been announced! Check first post!

Author:  YellowToast [ Wed Oct 24, 2012 8:01 pm ]
Post subject: 

Am I not a person?
Ouch

Author:  Jezebelle [ Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:04 am ]
Post subject: 

There are plenty of times to write poems about you Toasty, but my contest is going to have to include the wonder that is brown and delicious cooked bread produced by a marvel of engineering.

I'll write a poem about you too. For later. :D

Author:  YellowToast [ Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:57 am ]
Post subject: 

For "later" O:
oooooh

Author:  Jezebelle [ Sun Oct 28, 2012 8:45 am ]
Post subject: 

Final words have been posted, get to writing.

Deadline is Wednesday before my show! :)

Author:  Torturelini [ Tue Oct 30, 2012 12:23 pm ]
Post subject: 

I've submitted my totally ineligible to win anything but scorn entry!

Author:  BM [ Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:12 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Awfully Scary Poetry Contest

"supposedly not supposed to be here,
disposably, not supposed to meet here
flaccid.
Mr Green, smiling, always smiling,
prophylactic torture, lini the screamer knows"...

404 frowns.

thinking that zabriel's miasma and ukelele from ravengyre are the ones. for a poe-m.
and toast, of course.

(think shiiiiit) poe takes time. insane ticking, crawling snatches of time I don't have time to indulge. Cue from the radio::

"Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two, two and one make three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
And the grass doth grow...


Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his schwumpy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but men."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh! "

~~ ramble.

Author:  Tom Sawyer [ Wed Oct 31, 2012 12:18 pm ]
Post subject: 

Forgive me Jez but I submitted mine

Author:  Tom Sawyer [ Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:15 am ]
Post subject: 

Jez and Stu thanks for the awesome contest. For those with a strong stomach read on.....

Twas the night before Halloween, when all through the whorehouse
Everyone creature was a stirring, even the mouse.
The stockings were strewn across the floor with narly a care,
As the johns bellowed they where nearly there.

The whores were in various positions in their beds,
While visions of coffe and delicious toast danced in their heads.
And the madam in her office ensuring there where enough prophylatics in their wraps,
As through the entire house where the sounds of slap slap fap fap fap.

When out on the entry there arose such a clatter,
The matrodee sprang from the lounge to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like his job was on the line,
Tore open the front door locks and threw up his hands to prevent any crime .

The moon reflected of the hoods of the junkies staggering past in the snow
Gave the glare of of the neon lights to the whinos passed out below.
When, what to his unbeliving eyes should appear,
But a 100 foot strech limo painted ptich black with glass so dark and not so clear.

Out popped a huncback midigit old driver, so evil looking and thick,
Everyone knew that in a moment that this was limo of the Whore Master Old Flaccid Dick.
The midgit threw open the limo main door and a foul miasma did flow forth,
And then the hunchback he whistled, and shouted, and bellowed you you fat freaky fucks come forth!

"Now Slasher! now, Dirty Lap Dancer! now, Gay Ass Prancer and Streched Out Vixen!
On, 10 Cent Comet! On, Vaginal Putrid! on, on 2 for 1 Donner and Cum guzzling Slitzen!
To the top of the whore house porch! To the johns within give them your charms!
Now get your asses moving! Pound them away! Screw them all to point of harm!"

As the matrodee was trampled under that hoard of whores as they did rush in
The johns within where meet with horrors and mounted by the 8 whores of ultimate sin.
As every room of that house of ill repute was soon filled with the moans and cries
Of whores and johns getting the rides of their very lifes!

And then the madam as she tried to take charge heard from the limo a long racking wheeze
The scratching and pawing of a creature of ultimate sleeze
She did stand terrified rock still unable to even think of turning around,
When did from the limo ooze forth Old Flaccid Dick onto the ground!

Supposedly he was dressed all in unwashed leather straps from his head to his waist,
And in his nicotine stained hand he did clutch a ukulele caked in some noxious white paste .
The madam took a closer look and upon him no pants could she discern
Just 2 fat pasty white legs coated in layers of crusty white sperm!

His eyes glowed like 2 pits from the darkest of hells! his hollow cheeks where beyond scary!
His mouth held no teeth save one one while his nose was swollen and red like a road killed canary!
His nipples where pireced and connected with barb wire,
While the beard of his chin was stiff with the fat distlled from corpses from funeral biers

He then moved his ukele into position
And began to seranade the madam with a unholy proposition
He vowed to take his bitches brood and depart
If the madam or her ladies could bring him happiness to his old withered heart.

The madam realized she had no choice if to save her or her girls
She would have to satisfy this nasty old churl
She fell to her knees and began to give him head,
Soon he began to moan and shake and drool and dragged her inside to the madams own bed!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And he did bang that madam, the girls, and even the mouse in his hole where it did lurk!
And finally in a horrific bellow he did let loose with nary a shiver,
A white froathing spluge river!

Upon that flow he then rode back to his limo from which he did call for his team with a wolf whistle,
And from every room did fly his unholy 8 leaving behind the exhausted remains limp as thistles
But madam heard him exclaim,as the limo burned rubber out of sight,
Madam you did well and rest assured I will visit you again next Hallowen night!

Author:  Torturelini [ Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:17 am ]
Post subject: 

Congrats Tom! No doubt Rob Zombie will be in touch about the film rights :)

And for posterity (and posteriors) mine:

Midnight and 'twas gloomy and dark
A miasma hung over the park
I set out on a solitary stroll
When I was faced with a ravenous troll

Such a hideous creature to see
Clutching his warped ukelele
His green flaccid penis did drip
Into a prophylactic glued to the tip

I detected the odor of toast
From a foul mouth that he opened to boast
"I've eaten hundreds of men just like you
Boiled or mashed or put into a stew"

I held fast my ground, showing no fear
And replied while I scratched at my ear
"You supposedly think me a snack
But I'll allow you to take that thought back

"You see, I'm not kosher for you,
Nor am I halal, or vegan tofu
My body is high in cholesterol
And my organs are basted in much alcohol"

The troll took a sniff and near retched
He took a step back and then stretched
"I think I'll find something less dour,
I hear McDonalds opens again in an hour"

With that the brute lumbered away
I heaved a great sigh and did sway
The next night I'll stay in to watch telly
And not end up inside that troll's belly.

Author:  Jezebelle [ Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:38 am ]
Post subject: 

Thanks to everyone who submitted their awful poems!

And the Winner Is: Tom Sawyer for his epic (if not disturbing) poem. Special credit goes to BlueStu for his remarkable reading.

Honorable Mentions:
Soldan - for brevity
MistressoftheObvious - for actual KoL themed awesomeness
Orangatuan - if only for the homage to YellowToast (and toast as well)

Thank you also to the DJs who participated:
Torturelini - For rhyming cholesterol and alcohol
janecoder - short and sweet
Nassive - for inciting the jealousy of BlueStu

And poor YellowToast, who tried but did not meet the requirements. :)

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