CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: PLEASE HELP THREE OF OUR OWN KINGDOMERS
(1) Mistress Of The Obvious, chat moderator extraordinaire, and her family are facing homelessness. https://www.gofundme.com/aavalon
(2) Aromia Flyce, your favorite and most awesomest DJ, due to unforeseen circumstances beyond her control, she is in a monetary bind until she starts her new job. There will be a lapse of at least 2 to 3 weeks. She needs monetary assistance for bills and food. Rent is being assisted with by her parents. Any assistance is greatly appreciated. https://www.youcaring.com/megtaylor-785099
(3) Draconik is only 18, but is disabled and needs surgery that insurance is unlikely to pay for. Please do what you can to help. https://www.youcaring.com/regisethell-972406
(4) Sassy Staci wishes to thank those generous people who helped her in her time of need.
Criswell, why is your DJ page completely unformatted, and completely unlike other DJ pages which are completely formatted?
(1) I prefer my page to have a cheap and cheezy look.
(2) I'm not going to be bothered learning wiki formatting. Let someone else do that. I have other more important things to spend my time on; like drinking sugar free gatorade, wearing mirrored sunglasses, and turning off TV screens at casino simulcast rooms.
(3) Quick and dirty is much faster than well thought out and properly formatted.
Music you will hear (list subject to expansion)
ELP, Pink Floyd, Beethoven, Bach, Kim Lembo, Stories by Paul Cooley, Welcome To Night Vale network
Weird Al is OK if it's NOT a food song
Please limit requests to 3 songs and 25Mb. (Certain exceptions apply - PostModernJukebox, Kate Davis, Jody Lynscott unlimited)
email DJCriswell265@gmail.com or email@example.com
Paul Cooley stories: These stories contain adult language, violence, sex, and sometimes violent sex. Listener discretion is ALWAYS advised. You will soon discover why you need to take "We don't believe in happy endings" VERY seriously.
Garaaga's Children: A race of Nephilim (sexual vampires) from the ancient world: The Last Hunter, The Keeper, The Lovers (Drimesh), The Interlopers, and The Scrolls. The stories from Daemons Of Garaaga (Ama and Hela)caused numerous SAM crashes, so I won't be playing those, but you can download and listen here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B09aTPkIWzmRNHFSQkh6UmdnTEU
Closet Treats - (25 parts) a long slow burn - Trey Legere is delusional. He sees a man with glowing green eyes who lives in his closet. When he sees a ghoul driving an ice cream truck in his neighborhood, he becomes more fearful for his son, Alan, but when his wife and neighbor also see the ice cream truck ghoul, maybe it's not just Trey's delusion, but something more sinister. Calvsie LOVED this story, praising Cooley's writing style as a rare interesting unique voice, but was greatly disturbed by the ending. https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B09aTPkIWzmRRExHWWVKM2ZVN1U
The Street - What if the NeoCons cancelled PBS, and the Muppets were left to fend for themselves, while Sesame Street decayed into a drug addicted gang run ghetto? Contains harsh language, puppet violence and scenes that WILL disturb your inner child. If you're made of fur and stuffing, be careful of anyone carrying a seam ripper. (Yes, I'm going to do this one again for those who loved it and those who missed it.) Paul Cooley has removed The Street from his websites. He has also said that he can not control if SOMEONE took those files and put them out on the internet. I have no idea who he could have been talking about when he said that. https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B09aTPkIWzmRQVd3d3djYWE0MEU
The Black - A series of 3 (soon to be 5) novels about a creature that will digest anything that isn't metal or glass running amok in very different claustrophobic environments (I am a main character and will be killed in the 4th book Evolution)
Derelict Saga: The MIRA, mankind's only hope for survival, was sent out 50 years ago, and just disappeared. No one knew why, but conspiracy theories had sprung up about it. Now the MIRA has returned, and a team of space Marines has been ordered to investigate. The AI's know something, but they are not telling what that something is. Some mysteries just shouldn't be solved.
When someone suggests a topic, I will talk about US taxes and tax related issues. This may be quite boring for those not in the US, and for that I must apologize in advance. I will NOT give out incorrect information INTENTIONALLY, but it is possible that I will unintentionally. Do not use any tax advice I give without double, triple, or even quadruple checking using your own research and/or asking others. If you have any tax questions, send them to my Gmail and I will try to answer them on my next tax show. The more information you provide, the better I can zero in on your situation. On the other hand, do not include any information you do not want to share publicly with the Kingdom.
Tax Protestors (Note: if you are one you will NOT like what I have to say)
Amway Distributors (Note: if you are one you are going to HATE what I have to say)
Filing Status, standard deduction, and dependents
Children of divorced and/or separated parents (requested by Sassy Staci)
Music you will NOT hear (list subject to expansion)
Most rap, most mashups
If I don't like it, I will destroy it. If you make it a habit of sending stuff I don't like, you might earn a baleet.
Criswell wants to be generous but does not want to be taken advantage of. No multi-abuse. Each contest is limited to one win per player. I can split your prize among two accounts if you choose. DJs are eligible for all contests.
Paul Cooley's Graveyard
Contribute at least $1 per month to Paul Cooley's Patreon page (Fiendling or higher level), you receive exclusive/early content. You also become a character in one of his future stories, get your name in his "graveyard" at https://shadowpublications.com/the-graveyard/ and I send you 10,001 meat. I am excited to be killed in a rather nasty and disgusting way in the fourth book of The Black series called Evolution. https://www.patreon.com/PaulECooley
For those who have asked or were wondering, no, I am NOT Paul Cooley. I just fell in love with his writing style. I am most certainly one of his Fiendlings.
Make me a bump. I'd prefer you to include something like "This is ______________(Your KOL name)and you're listening to Radio KOL where a Criswell is him and a ___________________________________(fill in the blank) is you." but after that anything goes.
First Tier - The first 10 bump makers receive a bribe of 100,001 meat and will be listed as first tier bribers - Carslyle, Chadomancer, TwoHearted_Flail, ASmithsGirl, Eldecrok (promised)
Second Tier - The next 10 bump makers receive a bribe of 10,001 meat and will be listed as second tier bribers.
Third Tier - After 20, all bump makers receive a bribe of 11 meat.
I See You
I may occasionally peek into the ICanHazChat RadioKol channel. If I see you, you win 10,001 meat. This can happen AT ANY TIME, even when my show is NOT on.
This may or may not be announced ahead of time. Blue message Criswell. The contest ends when I receive 15 answers, 10 correct answers, or about 6 to 8 minutes worth of songs, whichever comes first. Correct answerers receive 10,001 meat. Incorrect answerers receive 1,001 meat. I may drop a hidden clue earlier in the show without telling you. ARIADOS will roll down the stairs from among correct answerers and the winner will receive an additional 100,001 meat. I MAY test the question on a DJ(s) and/or player(s) before the contest. They cannot be used as a lifeline resource, but will receive 1,001 meat to help me gauge the difficulty of the question.
Donations to Mr Salty (517995) will be given to the rolloff winner of the next contest as well as the meat prizes.
Call Me Criswell
There are hints on this page and I often drop some during my show, so discover my real name (It's NOT Paul Cooley) then find my real phone number (please DO NOT pay or subscribe to any sort of service to obtain this) then call me and listen to my answering machine message. Leave your KOL name (correct spelling including spaces if any) and your player number and I will send you 10,001 meat. Call me Criswell. I'm right here.
KEEP CALM AND WHATEVER (inspired by PandaPants)
This was fun and popular. 4,230,018 meat was given away. This one will be coming back, but only Criswell knows when. About a week in advance I will announce a WHATEVER phrase. Use a KEEP CALM or other generator, or make your own graphic using the WHATEVER phrase. TEN entries will be allowed. Each will receive 100,001 meat with 3 chances to win an additional 1,000,001 meat (each counts as a separate contest, so one winner can take away 3,100,004). During the next show, any listener may vote for a favorite, as long is it is not his/her own entry. All voters get 10,001 meat. Those who choose a winner get an additional 100,001 meat, and the chosen winner gets 1,000,001 meat in addition to the entry 100,001. ARIADOS will roll herself down the stairs (1d10) and her choice will get an additional 1,000,0001 meat. Also Criswell's favorite also gets an additional 1,000,001 meat. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? What? No. Wrong tagline. Sorry.
(This contest space is intentionally left blank except for the message indicating it is intentionally left blank so it's really not left blank then.)
Print out these rules, memorize them, tear the paper in half, eat the upper half, burn the lower half.